Knowing When to Move On
This quote from C.S. Lewis struck us: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What? You, too? I thought I was the only one.”
This quote is referring to friendships, but it can also be modified to apply to relationships in general--some kindredness that brings people together. And whether you are cultivating a new friendship, romance, colleague or client relationship, it takes time and attention. And, it is generally easier to begin a new relationship than it is to end an existing one.
Why is it harder to end a relationship? Well, there are many aspects, some of which are:
Compassion and empathy toward the other person
Our own sense of loss or emptiness
Peripheral relationships that may suffer
Economic impacts
Operational impacts
And, the fundamental impact that change in and of itself can be difficult.
So, how do you know when to release a current relationship? Before we provide some things to think about, consider these situations:
Kim has a new job that she is very excited about. It’s a role that fits her well, an industry that she knows, and an income that is fair and generally stable. A few months into the job, Kim has been undermined and micromanaged to a point that her confidence is shaken. She likes her boss and has brought some of the issues to her attention, however, nothing is fundamentally different. She needs a steady income, but is stressed and unhappy in her role every day. What does she do?
Alice is in a marriage of 15 years. She and her husband have two middle school-aged children. Alice loves and respects her husband, but is feeling limited and drained by the relationship. Nothing is horribly wrong, yet it also isn’t what she needs. What are her options?
Heather has worked for XYZ Company for several years. Over that time period, the focus of the business and Heather’s job have changed. Heather has been provided training, mentoring and ample time to learn and adapt to her modified role. And, she’s just not able to do what the job and the organization need of her. She has been loyal and upbeat throughout her tenure, always trying her best to do what is needed of her. Where does this leave Heather? What are the company’s options?
Monica and Jenny have been friends since childhood. They have gotten each other through some real highs and lows over the years. Jenny has recently taken a new job and made some new friends. This new dynamic has resulted in Jenny being rude and dismissive of Monica. Monica has told Jenny how she feels and Jenny has belittled Monica and her feelings, leaving Monica confused, hurt and angry. What can she do?
These are just a few examples of situations where relationships are part of the decision factor. And, quite frankly, we are fooling ourselves if we think we can completely separate the relationship or person from the decision. While there are no hard and fast rules on ending a relationship, here are some things for you to consider:
WWIW--What Would I Want?: Consider if you were to be on the receiving end of a break up of sorts--how would you want it handled? How would you wish to be treated? Consider things like timing, location, language, etc. from the other person’s vantage point, not according to your own preferences. This is a version of “the golden rule” and worth a little time to get an understanding and perspective of the impacts on the other person.
Understand the difference between nice and kind: Nice is more of a veneer, a “one size fits all” approach, somewhat avoidant and more about you than it is the other person. Kind, on the other hand, is honest, empathetic, adaptive and respectful. It’s putting the other person first and honoring them throughout the separation process.
Remember that everyone has choices: we all have a choice of how we communicate and how we react. We frequently hear people say: “you/she made me feel…”. Well, no one can “make” you feel anything (nor can you make someone else feel something specific)--our feelings are our choice. An initial reaction may be of hurt, shame, guilt, anger, but we have an opportunity to consider whether or not that feeling is accurate or serving us well. I’m not saying this is easy, though it can be impactful. If you can understand your feelings (whether you are the initiator or receiver), you can make choices that more accurately align your feelings with what is happening.
Trust and honor yourself: You and what you want and need matter. Most people don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is just going through the motions. This does not mean to be selfish--it does mean that we only have so much time and energy and focusing those on what are true to our values and passions is important.
Each situation and relationship is unique and deserves to be treated as such. Follow your heart, engage your mind, and be kind to yourself and the other person as you move on to what’s next. If you want a partner along the way, Core Endeavors can help.
Important Note: The above does not apply to relationships that are abusive in nature, especially where mental/physical safety is involved. In those instances, please find therapeutic or legal intervention as soon as possible.
